i don’t actually hate people it just exhausts me being around them for extended periods of time even my friends it’s nothing personal i just actually like being by myself yo
Losing someone you are in love with is like having the best thing in the whole world. You never want anything to change and you are so happy because everything is perfect. Then it seems that in the blink of an eye you’ve lost it all. It was like everything was just taken from you with no warning, when in reality things had been falling apart for so long. You were just too blind to notice. Until that person was pretty much gone and you felt like you couldn’t breathe…you may not even want to anymore. You go from talking to them everyday to pretending like the fact that they haven’t called you or reached out to you doesn’t bother you at all. You realize how many people you don’t talk to anymore, because that person was the only person you could hold a real conversation with. You occupy yourself all day just so you don’t have time to think back to the memories that are so hard to forget. The only problem is once you’re alone again they flood into your mind and attack you like a virus eating at your body. It may be in the shower when you’re washing your hair or when you finally decide to put your head on your pillow to go to bed, but can’t because you remember how they used to hold you before you closed your eyes. You feel cold because their warmth doesn’t cover you anymore and the big blanket you have just isn’t enough. You have to stay up ‘til 3 in the morning sometimes because you learn to wear yourself out, so that maybe you can just pass out without so many painful thoughts. It’s like losing a part of yourself. A part you were so sure you could not live without, so it becomes really hard to even try. You feel so hurt you begin to just feel numb & that’s what I am. I am numb and I am okay with that because I would rather feel nothing at all than feel this hurt.
Is it okay that I didn’t chase after you when you walked out the door that day?
Is it okay that it hurts so much?
Is it okay that I still want to text you when I get lonely at 2:27 in the afternoon when I’m with my best friend?
Is it okay that I still wake up missing the way you’d hold my hand?
Is it okay that I miss your good morning text messages?
Is it okay that I still talk about you to my friends even though I claim I’m over you?
Is it okay that I’m talking to someone else now who makes me laugh?
Is it okay that I prefer my smile over yours somedays?
Is it okay that I try to go on dates?
Is it okay that even though I pretend I’ve forgotten about you, I still think of you everyday?
Is it okay that I’m still not okay?